In a low almost silent voice, I quickly answered no. She hugged me and in a soothing voice told me to call her if there was anything at all. She will be there for me. With that, she gave me a gentle kiss on the forehead and returned to her apartment. I curled up on the couch, turned on the television, and sat there for weeks. My body was numb while staring at the television, only moving when necessary. I replayed the events over and over in my head like a detective novel. Thinking to myself, How did I not realize Kate used cocaine? What should I have done differently to save my first girlfriend who was my first lover? Would I break every woman that I touch? I thought to myself that if I start telling people that I am gay or bisexual that I would never have to relive or deal with this issue again of a lover passing away. After thirteen years of trying to convince myself of being something that I am not. At the age of thirty-six I can admit to myself and everyone else who and what I. She just up and left. She wanted me to bring that to you.”Brock unsealed the envelope with shaking hands and read what Merie had written.Brock (it read),_I’m sorry but this is what I need to do. The last months have been terrible. Not just for me but for you, too. It hurts me to know that I’m causing you pain.I’ve told you about the nightmares but what I haven’t told you is that they carry over into the day. I haven’t slept for more than an hour at a time for two months. I’m too scared to leave the house but I’m terrified at being here, too. I can’t live that way.I can’t stop reliving that day.I finally understand how betrayed you felt when the people you cared about let you down. I want to apologize for trivializing your feelings about Susan and Tara. I finally understand your reluctance to have anything to do with them.Please note that I’m not apologizing for pushing you to forgive them. I still think I was right about that part. But I’m sorry for thinking your feelings were.
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